Three lessons in communication from today’s calamity of interactions.

It is incredible that a few words, when poorly chosen but well intentioned, can cause so much grief and aggravation. Equally, it is incredible that carefully chosen words can cause just as much aggravation and upset when not carefully listened to.

Today alone, I have been involved in no less than three instances where either poor listening skills, or poor use of language, has led to conflict, severe upset and what I can only describe as an epic waste of time and energy. I am a strength coach by trade, so communication isn’t my area of greatest authority. But I was taught a long time ago by my mentor that coaches “do words for a living”. At the time it never made much sense, but as I have grown older and developed perspective, I have come to realise the wisdom in this phrase.

The ability to accurately hear what another individual is saying, while accurately communicating your own points, perspectives and opinions, is a critical skill in the arenas of business, education and relationships. Here are the lessons I took from reflecting on today’s experience, written here largely for my own benefit, while I hope also useful to many of you.

1. Making sure you understand correctly what someone else has said before arguing your case saves everyone time and energy while likely saving you embarrassment. Today a colleague of mine offended me, irritated two other colleagues and embarrassed herself because she clearly had a wildly different interpretation of something I said than I had intended. Had she taken one minute to ensure we were on the same page hours of time and a significant amount of negative emotion would have been saved.
2. When someone disagrees with you, ensure they understand you, and disagree accurately. Whereas my colleague in the above example could have saved us all grief by making sure she understood accurately, I could have saved us all the same grief by doing that for her. When she made her countering points at the end of my presentation, I immediately countered in return. Instead I could have asked “Amanda, what do you think I’m trying to say here” that simple confirmation question would have elucidated the misunderstanding without anyone taking offence. We would have had an opportunity to make sure everyone understood accurately what was being said and thus only disagree accurately and constructively or not at all. Ultimately I am only in control of what I think and do. I am not in control of what she’s thinks and does. Finding a solution in anything other than what I think and do is finding an impotent solution as it’s outside my locus of control.
3. Focus only on what you can control. I became extremely frustrated and upset earlier when I got into an argument with someone very close to me. I tried very hard to avoid an argument, but the other person seemed intent on having one. I don’t think this was really anything to do with me, they were at the end of a long and stressful day and I was there. Which brings me to my point. What frustrated me was that the other person seemed unreasonable and angry at me for no reason. I tried to argue with logic and facts which was futile, if not counterproductive. In the end I realised that trying to change their mind and state was outside my control and I removed myself from the situation. They have since apologised for their unfair verbal assault. We do not get to choose how people feel, how they act or how they handle their stress. But equally we do get to control whether all that affects us, or is even near us. Removing negative people and energies from life is easier that altering them.

If anyone has more enlightened insights to add please feel free to contribute by writing a thoughtful response. I would welcome it.

By Pete Edwards